my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I need to calm my uterus...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
