Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
