I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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