Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
