Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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