After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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