i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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