i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You made out with two different species that night
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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