im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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