I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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