I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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