So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
