I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
