After last night, I could never be a politician.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
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