just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
