My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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