When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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