You're completely useless in the revolution.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
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Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
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She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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