He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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