one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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