literally had 100 drinks last night.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
