On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It's blow job season.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
