Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
