I'm so fucking centered right now
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
