the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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