Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
