WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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