I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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