Grow some girl-balls and come out already
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
