This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
