So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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