I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
