I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
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i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
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I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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