I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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