I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
