i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
