WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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