if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize