he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I had to cum in my sink.
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