Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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