It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
