Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
