I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
