last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
