How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Randomize
