Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
