accomplished twins. life is a go
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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