bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I did not marry a roomba.
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