I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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