the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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