Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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