So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I didn't notice because vodka
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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