At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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