My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
