nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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