did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
