i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
the day after is always just damage control
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
