I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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