just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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