I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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