So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
