sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He shit in the fireplace
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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