I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
